This post is a series of unfortunate events so skip it if you don't want to get stressed.
It's 1:something AM and I'm packed and good to go when Mom realizes she lost her keys. We can't find them so we steal Dad's car (free day off school for my little sister: you're welcome). A mile from the house we realize his gas tank is below empty. The nearest gas station a 10 minute drive away.
We drive without touching the brakes, blowing through stops and red lights and taking turns at 40 mph to conserve gas (thank god it's 2:30am). We finally make it to the station but it's closed. We head towards the next gas station. It's looking like we're not going to make it, that I am going to miss my flight, I am about to appeal to a higher power when we arrive at the gas station. Phew! We pick up my sister and drive the wrong direction before making it to MIA.
Somehow, my debit card to access all my money breaks. I call the 800 number and tell them my situation but they tell me what I already know: "lol you fucked". So I am at the airport with $0 in my pocket and no means of accessing all my funds. However, Mom deposits some money in our joint bank account and saves my life.
I accidentally headbutt a TSA agent when he goes to pat me down so I hurry to my gate before he flags me for a cavity search. I eventually board the plane to Shanghai and I realize that everything on my seat is out of order: no TV/movies/games, radio, not even the toggle for my overhead light. Balls. Hey, at least I'm sitting next to a cute girl.
I read for a few hours before falling asleep for the first time in about 30 hours. I wake up thinking, "I slept so much, we're probably almost there!" The digital map informs me I am directly above the North Pole, approximately half-way to China. Nuts.
At this point, I have not eaten in over a day and am famished. Every snack and meal that has been given to me has gluten, and they don't have any gluten-free food. One of the attendants thought gluten-free = = vegetarian and brought me noodles. Ordinarily, I would suffer the abdominal discomfort and pump the cabin full of deadly gas but cute girl would know it was me. Finally, I get a rice dish and eat for the first time in over a day, making an absolute mess trying to learn how to use chopsticks in the process.
This 2-3 year old deserves a section for himself. He starts the flight by knocking over his coke and not telling anyone, which I find out when my socks suddenly feel cold and wet. All of my carry-ons are drenched but luckily my DSLR and smartphone are dry. The day goes on and this kid does not stop screaming. Whatever, I've been in flights with crying babies before. However, he cranks up the screeching dial to 11 and I am getting flashbacks to the Bastogne episode of Band of Brothers. Representative quote (verbatim, I shit you not): "I want candy! NOW! I WANT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!" When he said that laying down on Mom's lap, she was giving him the "I've made a terrible mistake" look.
That night, I had a lucid dream involving that kid loosely based around the "Get a hold of yourself" scene from the movie Airplane!